Who is left among you that saw this house in her first glory? and how do ye see it now? is it not in your eyes in comparison of it as nothing? – Haggai 2:3
The glory of this latter house shall be greater than of the former, saith the Lord of hosts: and in this place will I give peace, saith the Lord of hosts. – Haggai 2:9
The Spirit section of Intentional Dabblings was born when it came to my attention that it’s all well and good to be intentional with THE KIDS, THE HOME, and THE TABLE; but shouldn’t I also and more importantly be intentional in my faith? Let me take a moment to set the record straight. While this blog may paint the picture of a woman who has it all together, I battle daily with perfectionism and a deep desire to add up, measure up, be more, and do more. This is a severely broken mentality that plagues me constantly. I am exhaustingly aware of my children’s every move, the state of my home, and the nutritional value (or lack there of) of the food on our table. I’m constantly measuring. I measure my writing as being flat and I certainly measure my faith walk as being severely lacking and meandering. The fact that this blog is calling “intentional dabblings” doesn’t mean I’m not a perfectionist. It means I’m battling against perfectionism. Everyday. Use of the word “dabblings” is my feeble attempt to embrace failure and lighten up a bit.
This blog is an accountability tool and a reminder to continue fighting that battle. Make the effort. Action that falls flat (dabbling) is better than inaction. I tell myself not to worry if it’s not perfect. The effort alone makes a statement of love for my family.
So what about faith? Perfectionism is the voice of the Accuser inside my head telling me that I’m not good enough, that I’ll never measure up, and that while God always loves me, he’d never call me to some great purpose. Because I’m not worthy of such a mission.
On October 20, 2011 I wrote in a journal:
“I know Christ died for my sins and I know I was created in his image to have a meaningful relationship with him. But how do I convince my heart when I’ve ALWAYS felt that I’m not good enough? I can feel the barriers and I want them removed.”
I was/am letting feelings of inadequacy keep me from experiencing God’s grace and from achieving God’s plan for my life.
God calls us to bridge the gap between him and his people. I might be the only “temple” a person visits. What if I’m not a good enough representation of what Jesus stands for? In my Bible study, we’re looking at the book of Haggai. The Israelites have returned to Jerusalem and the temple needs to be rebuilt but they put it off. Some of them remember the former glory of the original temple. Am I going to ignore God’s call to bridge the gap because I feel more like a shack than a temple? That’s what the Accuser wants. He whispers these thoughts in my mind to keep me from answering God’s call.
So, I’ve decided that Intentional Dabblings will from now on be more of me and less of an instruction manual or fact providing place. I’ve always wanted it to be an encouraging and nonjudgemental place. I know we’re all doing the best we can and I don’t pass judgement on others (I’m far too busy judging myself). I don’t know what it’s like to walk in your shoes. But don’t come here and think I have it all together. I’m admitting, openly that I’m a perfectionist and I struggle with inadequacy. But I’m putting one foot in front of the other and I’m not going to let those feelings stop my progress. So the tone of my writing overall will change as I embrace those inadequacies openly. But I will also begin to write about my faith-walk. So, while it’s all well and good to be intentional about The Kids, The Home, and The Table; it’s time for me to answer the call and be intentional with The Spirit as well. I’m going to quit hiding that aspect of my struggle and hopefully by admitting the struggle, it will resonate with others who struggle with accepting God’s call.
I’m not a perfect Christian. My light might be tiny, but I’m not going to hide it anymore. It’s too precious not to share. If you’re like me and you struggle with inadequacy, let me say this little prayer over you (please say it over me too):
Dear God – If the devil is working this hard to keep me from from answering your call, then you must have really big plans for my life. Today, I’m laying these inadequacies at your feet so you can guide mine in the direction you want me to go. I’m ready to accept your call. Please remind me to lay these burdens down every single day and to hear your commands. -Amen